Crane
by Adurna Skulblaka
Summary: L drugs the Wammy boys' drinks, Near goes a... little crazy, and poor Matt just doesn't know what to do. Chaos soon follows in the form of tears, shouting and a lot of odd behavior from Near.


**Author's note: ... Well. I don't quite know what happened here. This started off as a role-play between me and three friends (Friend One was Near; Friend Two was Mello and Light; I was Matt and L), and it kind of escalated into... I don't even know.  
L and Light are together, and so are Matt and Mello.  
... Crackfic. Erm... yeah. Enjoy, even though it's really, really, really weird...**

* * *

Matt was bored. Very bored. Mello was playing a video game Matt had forced on him earlier, and Near was building yet another tower of cards. The gamer began to poke each of them in turn, muttering, "Hey. You guys. You guys. You guys. Hey."

Eventually, at long last, he got a reaction from both of them. "What now?" Mello growled.

"What do you want, Matt?" Near asked in an expressionless voice. He turned to the redhead with a few cards still in his hands, leaving the tower unprotected behind him.

Matt smirked. "Nothing. Just wanted to get your attention." He studied Near's masterpiece, then Mello's frown over the video game, and snorted. "You guys are unsociable."

Near moved his attention back to his card tower. "I don't see how you spend so much time on those electronic games. You should try a puzzle; it's better for your brain."

Matt shook his head. "Nope. Better for your eyes, maybe, but it's about equal for the brain. It depends what sort of game you play. If it's tactical, it makes you think. Then there's timing, reactions…"

Near sighed, focusing on his complicated castle. "Have you got any die?"

"You're the one always telling me to chill, Matt. Take your own advice."

"Shut up, Mells. Go back to gettin' your ass kicked by the game." He adjusted the strap of his goggles absentmindedly, raising an eyebrow at Near's question. "Uh… no. I don't tend to carry them around in my pockets."

"Have you got anything other than electronic games?" The sheep asked.

"No," Mello and Matt said in unison.

"What is so great about video games anyway?" he murmured. Near turned his back on the card tower again to face Mello and Matt.

"They're just… awesome," Matt replied, struggling to put his thoughts into words. "They're not like the real world; you can escape in them. Man, that sounded clichéd…"

"You can alternate games easily," Mello offered.

"If you die you've got more lives," the gamer added.

"I see…" Near paused in making his castle, looking thoroughly uninterested.

"You should try playing them."

"I don't think so, Matt."

"It'll be a new experience for you." Matt wasn't sure why he wanted Near to play something. He guessed he wanted to see how he would react.

Near sighed. "I suppose it wouldn't hurt to see what all the fuss is about."

Matt grinned. "Excellent." He took a DS out of his pocket and passed it to Near. He had to explain to him how to turn it on and what buttons to press, but soon he was happily playing Mario Kart. As for Mello, Matt had to help him with Super Mario Bros. He handed Mello's DS back to him, only to have Near's one shoved in his face.

"The screen is black. What happened?"

"You died," Mello said before Matt could even open his mouth.

"Oh." Near looked disappointed.

"Yeah, you did." Matt glanced over at the chocolate addict, smirking. "You wish he did, Mells."

Neither of them commented on that.

"It's working again," the sheep muttered, a hint of excitement colouring his voice. After a few minutes, he showed Matt the screen again. "What does this number one mean?"

"You won the race," he explained. "Congrats."

Near smiled and the next race began; he immediately drove his kart off a cliff. When Near mentioned what had happened, the other two boys didn't attempt to hide their amusement.

Matt laughed. "Nice one, genius."

"Ha, you idiot!" Mello snorted.

"I think I understand how this game works… unlike some people." Near shot a vaguely annoyed look at Mello before returning to his game.

Matt snagged the third DS from the table and started up his own game of Mario Kart. "Mells isn't the video game type, Near, so we can forgive him."

"Neither am I, but I like this new experience. However, I prefer puzz- LOOK! I've got something. What is it?"

Matt glanced at Near's DS, still playing on his own. "That's a mushroom. It makes you go faster for a few seconds. Press the Y button to use it."

"Which one is the Y- Oh. I see. I also fell off of a cliff again. That wasn't supposed to happen."

"Nope. You're kinda supposed to stay on the road," Matt said helpfully.

Mello, annoyed by something – probably Near's presence – bit off a section of his chocolate and kicked down the card tower before stalking out.

"Hey!" Near snapped out of his Mario Kart-induced trance. "Why would someone do something like that?"

Matt sighed. "Because Mello's an ass sometimes, Near."

Near started to reassemble his tower very carefully, card by card. "He wouldn't like it if I broke his chocolate."

"I wouldn't recommend that, he's got a gun."

"I know, I wouldn't do anything to upset someone. I wouldn't break his chocolate or your D… whatever it is. I'm not like him." Near spoke to Matt while he also concentrated on putting the complicated tower back together.

"That's the difference between you guys. You're chilled, he's not. And me…" Matt chuckled. "I'm just laidback."

"I imagine that's why he never wanted to work with me; we are complete opposites… well, almost." His card tower finished, Near picked up the DS and continued playing.

Matt kicked his feet up on the table. "Maybe I'm his buddy 'cause I'm capable of being both. I can be calm _and_ fierce. Usually calm though."

Near wasn't listening to him; his grey eyes were fixed on the console's little light on the side. "What does the red light mean?"

"Red light?" Matt was confused for a moment. "Oh, on the DS? You're running low on battery."

"How do I charge it?" The sheep turned it upside-down.

Resisting the urge to break down into laughter, Matt got up, plugged the DS charger into the wall socket and then connected it to the DS. "There ya go."

"Thank you. What does it mean by multiplayer? How can there be 'multiple players'?"

"The games can connect and the players can compete against each other in races." Matt gave Near an unnerving smile. "You know I'm epic at these games. D'you really wanna go against me?"

"No, I'm not sure, but it will be another new experience." Near glanced over the characters and quietly added, "I'm going to be the green dinosaur."

Matt scowled. "Aw, damn. I'll be Toad, then."

"What do you want to do? Vs, Balloon Battle or Shine Runners? Whatever they are."  
"Just go with a classic race. Don't worry, Near; I'll go easy on you."

As soon as the start button went off, Near flew ahead, finally getting the hang of it. Matt cruised into first, dropping banana skins and various other traps for the other karts. Near hit a banana skin, spun in circles for a second or two, and then hit a box. A golden mushroom sent him into second place. "Look, I'm behind you."

"Ha, nice. You know, you're pretty good a- OH SHIIII-!" Matt choked off into silence and cringed as a blue shell made his kart explode. Near neatly drove around the blue cloud.

"Was that you? I'm sorry. I wasn't sure what the blue shell did, so I just pressed Y."

"Yeah, that was me," Matt grumbled. "No problem, though. I'm still gonna win." It sounded more like he was trying to reassure himself than convince the other boy.

Near managed to get his paws on another item box. "Three red shells…" A second later, a shield of the shells surrounded him. "This one is useful." Matt, however, didn't have as much luck as the younger boy; he got a single green shell. He threw it backwards so it could do _something _helpful. Near steered his kart towards the finish line, hitting another box. He held down the Y button so the bananas hung out of the back of his kart but they weren't dropped. An extra shield. "Matt, what place are you?"

"Second." Matt narrowed his eyes and managed to get a mushroom. It was better than nothing, but it brought him in danger of hitting Near's shield.

"You are the mushroom?" Near braked, bringing his kart alongside Matt's.

The gamer glanced at him, looking confused. "Yeah… Why are you slowing down?"

Near's character went back into second place, and then he shot a red shell at Matt's kart. "It worked just as I planned!"

"You sneak!" He scowled and, once he'd regained control of his kart, he rushed after Near.

"I thought it would. Also, did someone put something in my water? It tasted funny." Near looked confused for a moment before concentrating on the quickly approaching finish line.

Matt shrugged, focusing on the game. He tried to get the best race time he could, since it was obvious he wasn't going to be able to beat Near. "I dunno. What sort of funny was it?"

"I don't know, just different… It reminded me of strawberries and sugar." Both of them were almost at the finish line when a blue shell hit Near, catching Matt in its explosion as well.

"What the hell? Damn shells… Strawberries and sugar?" Matt snorted. "Reminds me of L, but he's not the type to spike someone's drink." _That I know of._

"Yes, I agree." Near kept a straight face but he chuckled. It was, in a word, disturbing. "I don't understand this game or the water, but hey, this is amusing." He shot another red shell at Matt's kart.

"… Yeah, we- Holy crap!" Matt shook his head. "I've created a monster."

Near crossed the finish line. "YAY! What place did I come? Wow, that drink _did _taste funny…"

"First. Congrats. You're the first human to beat me at a video game." Matt glared at the floor.

Near stared at the screen, looking shocked. "I won…"

And then he proceeded to do something that almost gave poor Matt a heart attack. He even thought Kira had planned just that, for a moment.

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYY!" Near cheered.

"Erm… Near?" The familiar yet dull voice of L reached their ears. Matt didn't look at him though.

He was too busy staring in disbelief at Near.

"What. The. Hell?"

"Yes, Ryuzaki?" Near asked, his foot twitching every few seconds.

"Is everything alright? You seem agitated."

"He's more than agitated," Matt growled, snapping his DS closed in an irritated fashion.

"I'm not agitated," Near protested.

L tilted his head to the side. "I think you are, my young friend. You cannot keep still."

"Still?" Near's limbs jerked again and he muttered, "Twitcha, twitchin, twitcha, twitch."

"Near's broken," Matt said simply.

"No, he's not." L chuckled. "He's just acting a little odd is all, Matt."

"Broken… I'mmm nnott brokeeeen…" Near tilted his head, slurring his words. "You did this, didn't you, L?"

L smirked. "I won't try to hide it. I was curious about your reaction, Near. I did the same to Matt and Mello's drinks, but they don't seem to have had any. I also wanted to see whether you could detect any alterations to your drinks."

"Ssooo this issss yourrr fauuult." Near laughed. "This is soooooooooooo funny. Maaaatt, you should tryyy soommeee…."

"Uh… I'll pass…"

"Note to self," L muttered, as if Near going… really strange was just a video clip, "don't allow Near to drink or eat anything that can change his thinking patterns. It drastically changes his behaviour, making him act very out of character."

Near chuckled darkly. "First I'll take over the fridge, then the whole kitchen… Who knows what's up next? Maybe the public toilet or the corner shop… Maybe I can ban chocolate…"

"Uh… L… There's an antidote, right?" Matt whispered nervously.

"… No. We have to wait until it wears off."

"Hey, Matt…" Near smiled mischievously.

"What?"

Near shuffled over to him and poked his shoulder. "Bother." He blinked wide, grey eyes at Matt. "Do you want to be my Mario Kart buddy?"

Matt's eye twitched. "Oh, dear Mario…"

Near prodded him again. "Bother, bother."

"L… fix him… I don't care how, please, just make him stop…"

The detective was clearly struggling to contain his laughter. "You'll have to grin and bear it, I'm afraid."

Near turned to look at L and tilted his head to the side. "Hey… are you called Nemo?"

L's eyes widened in fear. "Perhaps this was a mistake… No, I am not called Nemo, and that is not my true name, nor is it _any_ of my names."

Near sat cross-legged on the floor and put his hand in the air. "I can't help what my hand is doing, I don't have control over it anymore!" He sniggered. "Maybe I can take over a crane, I could be the Crane King. WHO WANTS TO HELP ME TAKE OVER A CRANE?!"

Matt stared in horror. "… You really have broken him."

"I know. I'm starting to think that this was a very bad idea," L admitted.

"Really, Nemo, what was your first clue? YOU AREN'T CROUCHING! CROUCH!"

"You are correct, Near. I should crouch. The extra forty percent of deductive ability may give me an idea to fix this problem." L crouched in an armchair, watching Near warily.

Matt curled up in a ball on the sofa. "Happy place, Matty boy, happy place…"

Near copied L by crouching on the floor. "Can I have some cake? I need cake." The sheep stood and walked like a zombie towards the kitchen, muttering, "Must eat cake… must eat cake…"

"You've got a copycat, L," Matt mumbled.

"I do not walk like a zombie." L frowned. "Do you have any ideas, Matt?"

"Nope."

Near re-entered, holding three plates of cake, even though Matt had never asked for a slice. "I got some for you guys, but you have to promise to help me take over a crane. I've already padlocked the fridge."

L leaped to his feet. "You did what?!"

"Oh no," the redhead groaned. "Bad move, Sheep."

"What have you done with the rest of the cake?!" L demanded.

"I padlocked the fridge, but don't worry, the cake is safe." Near smiled and put the slices of cake on the table. He pressed his finger to his lips and whispered, "Shh, or they will hear you…"

L rushed towards Near, but Matt stopped him by wrapping his arms around his waist and holding him back. "Lucky me. Stuck with an insane sheep and a cake-deprived detective…"

"The cake is safe, don't worry." Near kept an angelic smile on his face, which just looked creepy. "All you have to do is help me play a game called Capture the Crane." He sat on the floor like a child. He took a toy car out of his pocket and inspected it before throwing it on the floor. "The car will be of no use now; the crane is the main priority. WE'RE ALL DOOOOOMED!"

L paused in his struggles – which would leave Matt with a few bruises – and fixed his dark eyes on Near. "What is this game?"

"L…" Matt released him and tugged on his sleeve, his eyes wide like a scared child. "This doesn't sound good…"

"It's called Capture the Crane," Near explained. "The first one to capture a crane wins. They have to knock down the barricades of pillows the other two have built up to protect the kitchen and the mighty cake!"

"What… just… what?" Matt couldn't think. Whatever L had done to Near, it had seriously screwed up his head.

"If it is for cake, I will play," L decided.

"There's no time to waste!" Near shouted. "We must secure a crane in the next forty seconds or we will all DIEEE!"

"We won't die," Matt muttered, rolling his eyes. "Dear Mario, what has L gotten himself into?"

"Forty seconds?" L frowned.

Near smiled his creepy smile. "It's only a matter of time… only a matter of time…"

"Mario, help me," Matt said in a small voice.

"Where is the crane?! We must save the cake!" L cried.

Near pointed out of the window. "It's out there somewhere." A heartbroken expression appeared on his face. "The pain…"

"Or maybe Luigi, he might be able to help…" Matt whimpered. "Mellooooo, where are you?"

"Where out there, Near?" L asked, eyes wide.

"Just… just… out the…" Near burst into tears. "Why couldn't he have stepped on someone else's crane?!"

Matt's eyes widened as he remembered the scene as if it had happened only moments ago. He'd accidentally trodden on one of Near's toys several years ago, back when they were at Wammy's, and the young boy had been traumatized by the experience. "Uh… oops…"

"WHY WOULD SOMEONE DO THAT?!" Near sobbed into the floor, having collapsed due to his grief.

"I… uh…" Matt swallowed nervously.

L just stared.

"What have you done to me, Nemo?!" Near continued to cry and shake.

"I… uh… didn't… mean to… break it…" Matt murmured.

Near sat up straight. "You… my Mario Kart buddy… it was YOU."

He held his hands up in surrender. "It was an accident!"

"Near, stay calm," L warned.

Near simply sat there, watching Matt. "You killed my crane… why would you do that?"

"It was an accident!" He repeated.

Near's eyes filled with tears again. "I can't believe it…"

Matt awkwardly patted the sheep on the shoulder. "I'm sorry?"

He brushed his hand off. "I don't know… I just don't know anymore… What's real, what's fake, life as we know it can't be trusted… nobody can be trusted…"

Matt looked at L helplessly. The detective seemed just as confused and scared as the gamer. "I'm sure it's not that bad," L said quietly. "You can always get another crane."

Near's foot twitched. "Another crane… ANOTHER CRANE?! ARE YOU CRAZY, NEMO?!"

"Quite possibly, yes," L replied calmly.

"I CAN'T JUST… replace the crane. There's only one crane that's exactly like it in the world and HE-" Near pointed at Matt "-destroyed it. People laughed when it broke, I was so upset that I cried, I told myself that I would never cry again." Near laughed. "If someone squished the best cake you had ever eaten, you could not bring it back ever."

As soon as Near compared it to cake, L turned a horrified look on Matt. "You monster!"

"WHAT?!" Matt cried. "I already told you, it was an accident!"

"Now you see what I went through," Near muttered.

"Yes, yes I do, Near. Matt… I'm disappointed in you."

The redhead gave up, throwing his hands in the air. "What's the point?" He shook his head.

Near reached into his pocket and drew out a water pistol. "YOU WILL PAY!" He squirted Matt with a harmless jet of cold water.

Matt stared at him with a 'WTF?' look on his face.

"Die, die, DIE!" Near dived at him but he fell short, faceplanting the carpet instead. "Ouch."

"If I was Mello, I'd have probably shot you by now."

"There will be no shooting of actual bullets, Matt," L warned.

"I DON'T CARE WHAT MELLO WOULD HAVE DONE." Near chuckled darkly. "As soon as he's in the door…" he aimed his water pistol at the door and fired, but all that came out was a slow trickle of water that soaked his feet.

Near promptly pretended to die.

Matt blinked several times before talking. "Well that's that problem solved."

Near stood up and walked into the kitchen. "Must fill up gun, must reload… L, do you want cake?"

"Of course I do," he immediately replied. "What a ridiculous question."

Near's head appeared around the doorframe and he shot L with water. "That's for calling me ridiculous!" He came back through with the rest of the cake and some chocolate. He placed the cake on the table and put the chocolate in the open doorway. "Now I can catch a Mello…"

Matt started laughing at L's annoyed expression. His drenched hair dangled in front of his face, dripping onto the floor. He scowled but stayed put.

"Oh, L, the cake is for you, it's coffee cake. I was going to get the other cake, but it's locked in the fridge… You know what happened to that." Near laughed. "Everyone be very quiet, to catch a Mello you need chocolate and this." He placed a colander on his head.

Matt sniggered. "Be vewy, vewy quiet, we're hunting Mellos…" he laughed at the end.

"Shhhhhhh!" Near squirted his gun at Matt again; he hid behind a sofa cushion to avoid the water. The sheep dashed around the side with surprising speed and shot Matt in the face. "DON'T TRY TO HIDE!"

Matt didn't move. His goggles protected his eyes but, sadly, the same could not be said for his cigarette; the stream of water had put it out. "You did not just do that," he growled.

Near laughed. "Oh, I also padlocked your cigarettes in the fridge." He moved back to his place by the chocolate.

Matt's gaped. "You. Did. What?"

"We're all going on a Mello hunt," Near said in a singsong voice, cackling.

"Near, I want my damn cigarettes." Matt sat up, all traces of his joking side gone.

"They're not good for you, Matt," L said.

"I don't care."

"You know what, Matt?" Near muttered.

"What?"

"YOU BROKE MY CRANE AND NOW YOU MUST PAY!"

For some strange reason, he didn't want to find out what his punishment would be. Crazy Near was not a good Near. "I'm sorry, ok?! But taking away my cigarettes isn't fair!"

"Ok, fine, I'll give you back your cigarettes." Near went back into the kitchen. A faint "Uh oh" could be heard. Matt didn't notice though; he sighed with relief, dropping the soggy cigarette on the ashtray on the table.

"Umm… Matt…"

"What?"

"These ones were in the fridge." Near held out a lumpy mess that _had_ been a new packet of cigarettes. Matt held them in his hands, staring in disbelief. Near went to lie on the floor again, still singing, "We're going to catch a Mello…"

Matt glared at Near. "No, you're going to buy me a new pack of cigarettes."

"Poor, poor Matt," L murmured.

"Nope," Near said, giggling like a child.

That giggle scared the crap out of Matt. Inexplicably, Near curled up into a ball and started to purr. Matt stared, blinking. "Maybe we should go on a Near hunt…"

The sheep crawled on his hands and knees over to the card tower; he knocked it over, shuffled them and picked one, showing it to L. "Is this your card, Nemo?"

"My card? I don't believe I picked one." L turned to Matt, looking worried. "Matt, I'm really starting to wish I hadn't drugged his drink."

Near put the card back and threw the whole pack in the air, scattering them all over the room. "Whoooo, confetti!"

"… You're insane," Matt muttered.

Near turned his head towards the gamer, looking at him with his head on one side. "That may be so…"

"I will be soon if this carries on," Matt said to himself.

Near reached into his pocket and produced a train. "Chuga chuga chuga, whoo whoo!"

"Mario, help me…" Matt whimpered.

Near hummed the Mario theme tune perfectly in response.

"You're scaring me, Sheep…"

"Can I call you Badger Boy?" Near asked.

"I look nothing like a badger!" Matt protested.

"You're wearing stupid clothes."

"Badgers are nothing like this."

"He's more like a zebra," L offered.

"I don't care, Badger Boy. STOP TALKING, NEMO!"

L shrugged and continued stuffing his face with cake.

"Fishies, fishies, swimming in the sea…" Near hummed.

"You're still broken," Matt said to Near.

As proof of that, Near pretended to swim on the floor.

"You're the smartest kid at Wammy's, and you've been reduced to this… Don't tell Mello I said that."

"I won't." Near mimed zipping his lips shut and throwing away the key. He then turned towards the door. "HEY, MELLO, MATT SAID I WAS SMARTEST!"

"Oh no," Matt groaned.

Near rolled secret agent style over to the door and pointed his gun at it. "Mello… Come out little Mello, come and get some choccy." Near laughed crazily.

"What is wrong with you?!" Matt glanced towards the door uneasily. "Mells, don't come in here, save yourself!"

"It's too late for that now, Badger Boy." Near calmed down slightly, turning to glance at Matt and L. "Has anyone got any puzzles?"

"No, I _don't_ have any puzzles," Matt growled. "MELLO, DON'T COME IN!"

"Hey, what happened to our game of Capture the Crane?" Near pouted. "Mello can play if he wants. HEY, MELLO, DO YOU WANT TO PLAY CAPTURE THE CRANE?" The sheep smiled his creepy smile, and attempted to whisper to himself, but it was easy to pick out his words. "Ha, as soon as he comes in… then I'll capture you…"

L blinked once. "Matt, never let me spike Near's drink again. In future, I will test him some other way."

"You couldn't have thought of that earlier, could you?" Matt replied, irritated.

Near twisted part of his hair around his finger. "I wonder… I wonder if I hopped on one foot for too long… would it fall off?"

Matt stared at him.

"That is not physically possible," L told him in a bored voice. "Your leg and or foot would just grow tired and painful."

"I am bored," Near murmured. He stood, walked over to Matt and started poking him again. "Bother, bother, bother, bother, bother, bother, bother, bother, bother, bother, bother, bother, bother, bother, bother, bother, bother, bother, bother, bother, bother, bother, bother, bother, bother, bother, bother, bother, bother, bother, bother, bother, bother."

Matt started hitting Near with a pillow. "MAKE IT STOP!"

Near squirted him with his water pistol. "HA, YOU'RE ALL WET! THIS IS FUNNY!"

"I think," L said, watching them closely, "that it is time for Near to have a nap so he can sleep off his strange behavior."

Near twitched. "How could I posssssibly get to slllleeeep now there's a crane waiting for me?"

"Because you have to," L replied simply.

"Just give him a damn crane," Matt hissed.

Once again, Near forgot about the crane thing, and he shuffled over to L. "Can I play Mario Kart, Nemo?" he asked with wide eyes.

"You'll have to ask Ma-"

"Yes! Please! Just make him shut up!"

The sheep grabbed the borrowed DS and turned it on. He started a race and while pressing the buttons he cried, "Pew, pew, pew! BANG! Ha, mushroom head never saw that coming!"

Matt started hitting his head against a pillow.

Near glanced up at him, and then continued with his game. "Is there something wrong, Badger Boy?"

"You," Matt growled.

"That's not very specific, Badger Boy. Nemo, do you know what's wrong with him?" Near's foot gave a particularly violent jerk.

"I believe he's irritated by you," L muttered.

"I know _that_, Nemo." Near's head suddenly snapped upwards. He stared at the door for a moment before diving on his front and pointing his water pistol at it. "I can hear a Mello!"

"You'd do well to leave the Mello alone," Matt said, glancing in the same direction. L simply watched, looking interested.

"Maybe… now, who's for Capture the Crane? Nemo? Badger Boy?"

Matt shook his head. "Nah, I'm gonna keep an eye out for the Mello. I'll have to warn him to run for it if he appears."

"I suppose one game wouldn't hurt." L tried to look like he was only curious, but it was clear he was excited.

Near stood up, walked to the seat opposite Matt and sat down. He just stared at his face, saying nothing, a creepy smile making its way across his lips. The gamer shifted uncomfortably. "What're you lookin' at?"

The sheep tilted his head to the side and continued to look at Matt without talking. "What do you want?" Matt asked.

Finally, Near said, "Your face is rather interesting." He paused, thinking. "I was just imagining it replaced with a badger's head…"

"… A badger's head…"

"Yes, then you would definitely be Badger Boy."

"You're insane, Near."

"Yes, I have come to the same conclusion. Oh, look!" He pointed out of the window excitedly. "A cloud!"

As if he needed to prove Matt's point.

"What is it shaped like?" L questioned eagerly.

"DUH, a CLOUD! Gosh, Nemo, I thought you were smart." Near shook his head.

L frowned. "But clouds are often said to look like objects or animals."

"Then it looks like… hmm… a crane." The sheep looked pleased with his answer.

"Of course," Matt said sarcastically.

Near grabbed a pillow and hurled it at Matt's face. He then sat back down and turned his unblinking gaze on the redhead again. Matt let the pillow hit him. He caught it and wondered whether he should throw it back at Near, but eventually decided against it. "What the hell d'you want?"

The sheep only watched him, seemingly oblivious to his question. L waved a hand in front of his face, but he didn't get a reaction. Near was in a trance-like state. Matt chucked the pillow back at him, hoping to snap him out of it. His hand shot out and deflected the pillow, so instead of smacking into Near, it slid across the floor.

And then he stared.

"He's really creeping me out," Matt muttered.

"Hey, Badger Boy," he said suddenly.

Matt tilted his head to the side. "Yeah?" There was no point in trying to get Near to call Matt by his alias anymore, not when he was like this.

"Do you think if I ate three tubs of ice cream each day, would I become better at being nice?"

What. The. Hell?

"Ice cream would have no effect on your personality permanently, Near." L jumped in before Matt could even open his mouth.

"What L said," he agreed.

"What did you put in my drink? I want more, it makes me feel good," Near laughed.

L drew himself up to his full height, but quickly fell back into his slouch. "You will not be having any more of it. You are disturbing not only Matt, but also me. It is better if you let it wear off so you can be normal again."

"How long will that take? Can I have some cake?"

"Nice rhyming skills," Matt chuckled.

L gave the gamer an amused glance before looking back at Near. "Possibly a few more hours… and if you must."

Near curled into a ball and hissed at Matt. "No thank you, L."

Matt ignored him. He gaped at their mentor. "Hours? HOURS? PLEASE, fix him now."

"I can't." L seemed genuinely upset, but that wasn't going to solve anything.

Matt started hitting his head on a pillow again.

Near chuckled. "I just had a thought…"

L tilted his head to the side. "And what would that thought be?"

"I like toys and cards."

"Well done, Sherlock," Matt growled.

"I am not Sherlock, I am Near and you are Badger Boy."

"I believe it's a figure of speech, Near," L explained.

"Oh." Near paused, his face blank, but then it seemed to light up. "Would anyone like to build a card tower?"

Matt sighed with relief at the more normal behavior. "I'll pass, but you carry on."

"It's not any fun playing without anyone else." Near looked thoughtful for a moment. "If I put dynamite into a cake and Nemo ate it, would he explode?"

L stared at Near in shock.

"Uh… yeah…" Matt mumbled.

"Don't worry, I would never do that…" The sheep smiled innocently. "Now can we play Capture the Crane?" As he said the word 'crane' his eyes welled up with tears, due to the memory of his broken crane, but he didn't cry again.

"I will play with you," L said kindly.

Matt shrugged. "I'll pass."

"Ok, Nemo," Near said, leaning towards L, "the rules are you run to the shop and buy cranes and a catapult. You then run back and set up the catapult. Meanwhile, I will have set up a barrier barricading the kitchen," he paused to chuckle darkly, "and the cake will be on my side. You have to break down the barrier using the cranes and the catapult. If you succeed you get the cake, but if you don't… I will feed it to… a dog."

L's hands balled into fists. "I will do it! I will be back soon." He rushed out, muttering, "For the cake…"

Matt shook his head. "Oh, dear Bowser…"

Near's foot twitched again. He walked around collecting pillows until the pile ended just below his eyes. "Are you still using that one to hit your head, Badger Boy?"

Matt threw the pillow at him for an answer. Sadly, Near caught it and began to build the barrier. "Will you really feed the cake to a dog?" Matt asked. "You could always feed it to a Matt."

"Badger Boy, I told Nemo I would feed it to a dog. I suppose you can have some too, I'm sure the dog won't mind sharing."

"It won't if it has any sense," Matt agreed.

L hurried back in and started setting up a catapult. "Quickly, quickly… the cake…" Without saying a word, Near walked over to him and handed him a colander, then placed one on his own head. "This is war, Near," L muttered.

Matt grinned and folded his arms behind his head. _This is gonna be hilarious._

"FIRE!" L crowed, and then shot a crane at the pillow barrier.

A pillow wobbled but didn't fall. "You forget, Nemo, I have built many card towers; it will take more than that to break this barrier." L frowned and studied the barrier, searching for a weak point. After a few moments he sent a second crane flying towards it.

One pillow fell. "Nice shot, but you forgot I built a second layer." Near smirked triumphantly.

Matt started to laugh, but he spluttered into silence when L murmured, "Silence Badger Boy…" He sent another crane towards Near.

Matt gaped at him. "You… you traitor…"

Near chuckled darkly. "Nemo, Badger Boy asked me to feed him the cake if you didn't win, so in actual fact, he is the traitor."

L glared at Matt before firing three cranes in quick succession. Matt decided to taunt L – which probably wasn't a good idea. "I'm lookin' forward to the cake. I haven't had any for a while…"

Two pillows toppled and landed by the first. "Nemo, you're doing well…"

"Of course I'm doing well, I'm L!"

"You rhymed and it was a crime," Matt said, sniggering.

"That was lame and it was a shame." Smirking, L shot another two cranes at the wall of pillows.

Not one of them fell.

"That was a bad shot." Near chuckled in a very unnerving way. Hell, it wasn't even directed at Matt and he wanted to run for the hills.

"I WILL WIN! THE CAKE WILL BE MINE!" L cried. He started firing cranes without stopping, only pausing to aim them.

Near ducked as one flew right over his head, ruffling his white hair. There were only five pillows left and six cranes. "It is my last line of defense, but it is the most solid."

"The cake will be mine," L growled, firing.

The first two cranes knocked down two pillows, the third missed and the fourth hit another pillow, leaving one crane and one pillow.

"I can taste the cake already," Matt laughed. Aiming very carefully, L fired. It hit the last pillow and it wobbled…

But didn't fall over.

"NO!" L howled. "THIS CAN'T BE!"

Matt couldn't help it; he curled up into a ball and cackled with laughter. Near picked up the cake, walked over to Matt and placed it in front of him. "It's yours."

Matt grinned. "Pleasure doing business with you, Near."

"MIIIIIINE!" L snarled.

Near turned to face L, looking slightly scared. "Uh… sorry, L…"

Matt swallowed nervously. "Er…"

The look on L's face was positively terrifying. "… You should know better than to promise me cake and then deny me it."

"It's ok, L, you have a slice in the fridge. It's only the rules, I don't make them." Near sat on the carpet and started building a new card tower, as if none of this had ever happened.

"The rules are stupid…" L whimpered. "One slice is not enough… it never is…"

"… Maybe I should just give him the cake…" Matt suggested, glancing between the two of them.

"Do whatever you think is right," Near sighed.

Matt mentally prepared himself, and then said, "I'm going to help you, L. No cake. It's bad for you."

"NOOOO!" he howled.

"Matt, you look like you need a drink." Near held out a glass of water.

Forgetting entirely that it was drugged, he accepted it. "Cheers." He gulped down half of it in three quick swallows.

"Oops… uh… Matt…"

Matt sniggered. "What?"

Near turned to L. "Ryuzaki, what do we do now?"

L kept his eyes fixed on Matt's cake. "We trick him."

Matt laughed. "Hey… hey, Near… you look like a sheep…"

Near sighed and went over to L. "I think I am almost back to normal. I also have an idea."

Matt looked around through his goggles, chuckling. "Everything's orange… Hey, Near! You're an orange sheep!"

"What do you propose we do?" L asked, keeping his voice quiet.

Near showed L the borrowed DS. "We bargain."

L smirked. "Perfect."

Matt didn't notice; he was too busy finding the orange tinted world hilarious.

"Well, Matt…" Near paused. "Do you want to play video games?"

"Duh!" I said between chuckles. "I loooooooooooooove video games! I'm, like, the best player EVAH!"

"Well then, why don't you come and sit over by the card tower and we shall play."

"B-but…" Matt stared at the weird tower of cards. "Cake… I don't wanna play with cards! That's boooring!"

"I know, I meant you sit by the cards and we will play Mario Kart. We will see if you can ever beat me…" Near kept a taunting note in his voice.

"I WILL KICK YOUR SHEEPY ASS! I AM THE KING OF VIDEO GAMES! BOW BEFORE MEEEEEE! NOT EVEN BOWSER CAN BEAT MEEEE!" Matt leaped down to sit on the floor, tucking into a forward roll on the way. He grabbed his DS and waited.

Matt felt amazing.

Near looked at L and smiled before opening the DS. He sat next to Matt and muttered, "Ready when you are…"

"GO!"_ I'm gonna win I'm gonna win I'm gonna win I'm gonna win-_ Matt chanted in his head in an unrelenting stream of '_I'm gonna win_'s.

L dived for the cake, making no attempt to hide his actions.

"You drive like a four year old," Near said to keep Matt distracted.

"YEAH, WELL YOU DRIVE LIKE A… THREE YEAR OLD WITH TWO MONTHS TO HIS BIRTHDAY!"

L laughed with glee and actually _hugged _the cake.

Near shot a red shell at Matt. "Whatever you say… Badger Boy."

"I HAVE IT! IT'S MIIIIINE!" L crowed.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Matt howled, realizing what had happened. "MIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE!"

"Concentrate on the game, Matt, or am I going to have to beat you again?"

Matt looked between Near and L so fast he could've hurt his neck. "Cake… game… AAHHHH!" He curled up in a ball and whimpered (still playing the game, mind you).

"Your specialty is video games," Near muttered, "which you are currently losing at. Do you want me to tell Mello you gave up video games for cake?"

Matt twitched. "Mello will hear nothing of this." His kart flew forward into first and, grinning, he stood and attempted to wrestle L away from the cake by just using one foot. L hissed like a cat in response.

"I've picked up a golden mushroom. You're losing again, better concentrate…"

"I CAN HANDLE IT; I'M THE VIDEO GAME KING!" Matt pushed on L's shoulder with his foot, still clicking away at the buttons. L scratched his ankle, but he gritted his teeth and carried on through it.

"Oh dear, it looks as though I'm stuck in a room of insane people." Near sighed and continued playing Mario Kart.

Matt shoved his foot in L's face.

L bit it.

Near threw his hands in the air. "I give up, L, Matt, can't you have half the cake each?"

At the same time, L and Matt shouted, "NO!"

"How about we go and get one of you another cake?" Near was beginning to lose his patience, but neither of them noticed.

"I want this cake," L protested while Matt growled, "You promised me this one."

Somehow, Near stayed calm. "Fighting? What are you, children?" His voice was icy. "Ryuzaki, you lost the game, this cake belongs to Matt. We can get you another one."

"I LOST THE GAME!" Matt wailed.

"Actually, Near, you are the most childish out of us," L retorted.

Mello walked in again and started to take his gun from its holster. He strolled over to Matt and glared at Near. Grinning stupidly, Matt reached up and petted his hair. "Soft Mello, warm Mello, little ball of chocolate… Happy Mello, sleepy Mello, purr, purr, purr…"

Near shook his head. "Fine, continue fighting, see if I care. I'm going to build a card tower." He stalked over to the pile of cards, throwing a bar of chocolate over to Mello as he did so. Surprisingly, Mello offered it to Matt.

The gamer clapped his hands once and sniggered. "Nice catch, Mells! Nah, you keep your chocolate." While he was distracted, L stole Matt's cake. Near saw from the corner of his eye and smirked.

"You know, Mello, you should try building a card tower." Mello sat on the floor and snapped off a piece of chocolate, and Matt knelt beside him. He continued to stroke his hair while L cut himself a slice of cake.

"Screw cards, we have other things to do, don't we, Matty?" Mello stole a DS from Matt's pocket and started to play.

"Maybe we should try looking for an antidote, after you have eaten your cake, of course," Near suggested to L. He frowned and tilted his head to the side. "Screw cards…?"

"Your hair's so pretty, Mells…" Matt murmured.

"After I have eaten enough cake to satisfy my desire, I will ask Watari for the antidote," L said through a mouthful of cake.

"WAIT! There WAS an antidote?" Near shrieked, finally losing his cool. "So I never had to act like a crazy, drunk, hyper, drugged seven year old?"

"It never occurred to me. I forgot. Whoops." L didn't seem concerned; he stuffed his face with more cake.

"Matt, Ryuzaki took your cake. Do you want help getting it back?" Near asked sweetly.

Matt paused mid-stroke, Mello's hair slipping between his fingers. "My… cake…?" Mello fiddled with his gun while kicking Mario's ass on the DS.

"Yes, Matt, your cake," Near mumbled.

"MY CAKE!" He cried.

L swallowed the last of it. "Whoops again. Now, to get the antidote…"

"How could L do that?" Mello growled.

Matt wrinkled his nose. "Melly-chan, I can smell drinky on you. And L's a meanie pants."

"I am not a meanie pants. I was hungry. Don't worry, Matt, I will fix you soon." L rolled his eyes.

"I go tell his daddy! Liiiiight!" Mello crawled away, out the door.

Matt flopped onto his belly. "Melly-chaaaaaaaaaaaaaan! Come baaaaaaaaaack!"

"Oh, joy," Near muttered, "I seem to be having a rather bad day…"

Mello returned with Light in tow. The chocolate addict offered Matt an unopened bar in an apology, which he accepted with a smile. "Good Melly-chan."

Light was more sober than Mello, thankfully. "What's going on, Ryuzaki?"

"Light-kun!" L sang, pouncing on his boyfriend and kissing his cheek. Light pecked L's forehead, and then set him back on his own feet.

"Oh dear, I need back up…" Near sighed. "I wonder if there's anyone in the world who is actually sane at this point?"

"Near-chan, NOBODY IS SANE!" Matt laughed. Mello gave him a bear hug and started chuckling as well, swaying where he stood.

"I am sane," L grumbled. "I was saying hello to Light-kun." Before the detective could continue, Light fell over, taking L with him.

"I am sane," Light added, "just not helpful."

L sniggered. "Careful, Light-kun. There are children in here."

"Mr. Mello never drunky, drunky!" Mello protested, and then promptly collapsed onto the couch.

Matt lowered his voice to a whisper. "Melly-chan… I'll tell you a secret… You're drunky right now!"

"Hush, Matty! Don't tell Near!" Mello hissed.

Near lost it and started hitting his head against the wall. "Why me?"

"Wrong place, wrong time, Near," L said.

Near curled up into a whimpering ball. "Please get the antidote and take Light with you…"

Angry with the chaos, Light got up and left, scowling. Unaware, L continued talking. He smiled creepily. "Yes, come on, Light-kun… Let's go… we'll come back soon with the- hey! Come back! I wasn't done seducing you!" He scrambled to his feet and ran after Light.

"No, wait, Ryuzaki!" Near cried. "Please don't leave me with these crazy people!"

Near didn't get a reply. He heard Matt sniggering in the corner, and the beeping coming from Mello's DS, and nothing else.

Poor, poor Near.

* * *

**Author's note: Question: what did I just write? O.o**


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